Drastic times call for drastic measures. Forget Bruce Lee was my teacher. Boston United joint manager Jason is the man to show the Imps shrinking violets and kids how it’s done. Passing on the skills of the traditional centre forward isn’t all they’ll receive. Oh no the course deals with legal issues too. Your first date at magistrate’s court for assault can be a little daunting unless you know the right brief and can pull the sympathy stroke. Divin’ sometimes aint where it’s at. There's ducking too.
Here are Kung Fu Lee, for it is he, with his top old skool tips.
The Porridge Disturber. A swift punch to the stomach of your defender on the refs blind side will bring back his breakfast while you have all the time in the world to trample the keeper and put it away!
The Twister. Line up in the wall grab a gonad or two and show your opposite man how you deal with his tackle.
Hamstrung technique. Whilst running side by side hit the back of his thigh with the back of your hand. It looks like cramp and if it doesn’t give him a months rest it should at least slow him down for the rest of the game.
Toe Knee Nut. Grind down a metatarsal with your rear studs, nudge the knee and follow up with a mistimed or high challenge. 9 times out of 10 its earns a talking to or a yellow card for persistent offending. Look shocked, innocent and empathise with the victim at all times, remember you are taking one for the team if it helps.
Leading Elbow Technique. When you have the right ref no disguise is necessary. Once you’re on a gallop the force will do the rest.
The Bowling Ball. Two fingers in the nostrils should ensure a taller foe is dragged from the sixyard box during corners.
The piggyback. Not just a way of getting above your opponent to score this one. It also ensures that he is going nowhere. Often nicknamed buggery with intent it is used as a close marking technique.
Wanna be the daddy of the six-yard box?
Call 0115 TUF MUVA
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